If there is any one subject that I do the most readings for, talk to the most people about, and have personally spent countless hours meditating and doing spiritual work on, it’s romance and relationships. We just can’t get enough of the emotional rush, the practically psychedelic effect of earthy desire, and even the drama and heartbreak that ensue.

We want it, we hate it, we crave it…we would do anything for it, or we would do anything to never go through it again.

As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches here in the U.S., romance and relationships are moving into an even more excruciating focus within the collective consciousness, bringing all of our baggage connected with them in the form of unrealistic expectations, projections, and past wounding.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re in a romantic relationship because the issues and the questions they give rise to are often the same:

Do they love me?

Will I find/is this true love?

I can’t find love/my relationship is on the rocks, what’s wrong with me?

Am I settling?

Are my expectations too high?

Why did/will they leave me?

Why do I keep dating people like my mother/father?

I feel incomplete without “the one” so when will they show up?

Is this person my soulmate?

Do I have a soul mate?

I could keep going with the questions, but I’m pretty sure you are already very familiar with them.

We all are.

As deeply personal as these questions feel when we ask them, the truth is they are almost universal because deep down, they all come from a single question with two parts:

Who am I really, and do I belong?

While our relationships serve some very real external and practical functions, such as potentially greater material security and companionship, the spiritual function of our relationships is nothing less than total awakening to Who You Really Are.

Before you say, “Come on, Trece! Dating has enough pressure!” or “What?? My partner and I can barely manage being responsible for doing our chores let alone total awakening!” let me assure you that knowing this cosmic principle of relationships actually makes them simpler, though not necessarily easier, and more manageable. When you can see a situation with more clarity, you have more options and perspectives to choose from.

It is also true that other people are capable of loving you and truly not knowing how to love you. Knowing that every relationship is meant to totally wake you up to Who You Really Are is not a reason to tolerate toxic people in your life, though it is good to (eventually, when we have the energy) reflect on how we might have found ourselves in such relationships.  Do everything you can to avoid or get out of abusive and/or unhealthy relationships and do your best to let go of the guilt that often comes with dissolving these kinds of relationships. Very often, having someone to help you see yourself more clearly and support Who You Really Are is a huge benefit, such as a therapist, mentor, intuitive guide, or a trusted friend.

So how is it exactly that romantic relationships (really all relationships, but the romantic ones really can pack a punch) function to totally awaken you to Who You Really Are?

Well, all of that baggage I mentioned earlier, the unrealistic expectations, the projections, and the past wounding, all reside in and come from the gap between who you think you are, and Who You Really Are. This gap and its contents are almost always unconscious to us, at least before we start doing the work to heal them, and so they often appear as confusing obstacles to fulfilling romantic love or experiencing the truth of ourselves.

All of our inherent and wild beauty that we don’t feel worthy enough to own (past wounding)? That gets projected onto your gorgeous date, who may or may not really be all that gorgeous, inside or out.

All of our dysfunctional and fearful parts that we cope with by denying them (past wounding)? That gets projected onto your partner for not doing the dishes/being late/saying something less-than-sensitive, because they are the absolute worst for not being perfect (unrealistic expectations). Right? Right. Righteous!

This cycle of projection goes on and on, leading us to feel like we are losing our damn minds.

And that’s the point.

Who you think you are usually has very little to do with Who You Really Are, and since your soul’s purpose in being here is to creatively express Who You Really Are, your soul is going to find creative ways to bring to your conscious awareness all the contents of the gap between the two.

The fastest and most powerful way for that to happen is to reflect all of that back to you through your relationships.

I know that sounds heavy, but I invite you to see it as liberating.

The love you feel you lost when your lover walked out? That’s your love, it came from your heart, and it belongs to you. That’s how deeply and wildly your divine heart can love, and that person can never take it from you, because it is you.

The cruel machinations of fate that always sabotage your relationships? You are no longer the victim of an external and fickle fate when you see your obstacles to love as parts of you that are desperately seeking for you to love them.

Feeling isolated and alone because you haven’t found your soul mate? When you see relationships as a reflection of who you think are, Who You Really Are, and the gap between, you realize that every person you are in relationship with can be your soul mate because they are helping you to more fully express Who You Really Are.

Also don’t forget that you are in a constant relationship with Spirit, the Universe, the Divine, and that the Source of Life loves you beyond measure.

So this Valentine’s Day, make it a priority to love yourself, and love everyone in your life for being so faithful in helping you remember Who You Really Are.

You are worthy.

You are enough.

You don’t just deserve love, you are love.

And you never have to believe otherwise.